So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
