he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
