Yo dont text me then not text me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
