she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
