I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
