I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Randomize
