I could make wine with my vomit
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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