just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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