Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i dont even know how to be here
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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