i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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