I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
