I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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