i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Someone shit on the floor
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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