I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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