Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
