I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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