youre lurking in front of me
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
