bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
