DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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