Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
