So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
