I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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