so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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