you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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