They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
