I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
