Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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