He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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