you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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