I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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