i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
