now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
