Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
