did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
