I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She even gives head with a lisp.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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