my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
