I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
