The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
