i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
