Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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