Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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