I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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