Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
