i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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