I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
