Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
