She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
