i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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