i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
