Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
