This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I color on your dick again?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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